Dying in Darkness

Within few months, everything's changed.

Parent's are dying, I've separated from my friends actually I have driven away from me. In order to search for some answers, I feel that I need to sacrifice some things, Things which I love and things which remind me of a person I am, its been 20yrs, had lots of changes, heck I don't even remember my past. My past is shredded in darkness and now i feel my future is cloaked in darkness too.

People are born for a reason. May it be a reason to accomplish something in their life, bring about some or the other social, economical or cultural change. Some are born poor who have become legends and are still remembered by people because of his/her accomplishments or the wonderful deeds he/she has done. Some are born to change how people think like philosophers or novelists or even politicians.

My life's nothing like that. I don't know why am i born. Some past of mine has been shredded in darkness, victim of sexual abuse and a victim of ragging. Maybe these instances of my life has taken an impact on my behavior so as to forget my past. The memories do haunt me once in a while though but i never seem to remember em. Ive changed so many homes and kept shifting from one location to another at regular intervals of my life and forgetting everything and locking those past yet precious memories in a little black box right behind my head sealed forever in the mist of sorrow. Friends kept changing, Sadness always bloomed without even knowing and i started getting more crazy which i thought was just a JOKE.
As for my future, that's also in darkness. I cant seem to see myself as person who's living a normal life in the future. I cant see Where do i stand in the future?

Why am I born without any reason?

Ive got no future, then Why am i living? Why should a person live without having any goals or ambition in his/her mind?

An Ambition is like an internal force inside a person that drives him/her to pursue that. But I don't have such an ambition thus not allowing me to see my future.

I've turned 20 last month, people like me must have already planned their future and as for me, I haven't even licked the icing of the cake yet.

Some of my colleagues tell me that they want to live just because they want to earn money and have a happy future ahead.
Well for me money isn't always everything. Is surviving in this world only money? I know money can give u all the luxuries and comfort in the future but i feel money is something which is like a silent killer/drug which slowly eats your soul and then you think that money alone is something which you can survive on. Well this is always been a contradictory statement on MONEY.

For me, I'm living without any reason. Living in darkness, every day feels like I'm Living without any reason, looking at people from my bedroom window, Looking at those souls who keep struggling so much just to survive. Some struggle for happiness, some struggle for money, some struggle for others to survive, I'm just surviving without struggling, such a bad sign....its high time, I want to come out of the darkness, Make a future where I see myself happy and laughing...taunting at those people who have laughed at me at my weaknesses.

Is this my future? Overcome my foes? Succeed them in my own way?

I would work hard not just for money but would rather work for my happiness even if I earn lesser than my parents or my friends, as long as I've got that 1 thing which makes me different from the rest of the people, I don't really care but as for my future I'm really selfish and would look forward for my happiness.

But still,


I would be still be dying in darkness in both the ways.

MONEY = ABSOLUTE POWER ??

To tell u the truth I'm a smoker though I'm not addicted to it but I do need it a day.

Well the place where i go to have my Cig is also a real kool place since Ive made many friends over there esp the owner of the pan n beedi stall.

The topic of my discussion is the Owner.

Well most of my friends come take a packet give their share of money n move along. Sometimes we do take credit for the Cigs. Sometimes whenever we don't have cash we clear the debit after sometime.
But nowadays the amount of Credit has become so much that the owner doesn't have enough money to make up for the expenses for getting extra needed packets.

To tell u the truth i also have around 100 bucks to pay him back. Not only me but some of the other ppl also have more than 500+ bucks to pay him but the prob is tat we give the remaining cash after a long time.
This doesn't give him enough time to pay for his rent n all.
Nowadays whenever i go there i also sometimes increase my account by 3-4 bucks...though i give him the cash back after few days.

But looking at his condition when he sits in his stall i feel really pathetic...i feel bad for myself..i feel that this world is full of tension, there's no way out of it...1 goes away n another comes after it.

The owner has his family to support...has got a real cute daughter whos arnd 6yrs old. But he doesn't show his pain to his family. He himself has started to Fag more than usual.
He pays up for the expenses through his own money which he should spend it for his family.
I think he hardly saves any money in this condition.

Sitting at his place having a Cig whenever there is no customer. Always in a deep trance.

Think hes not the Only guy who into this problem of money!!

There must b 100's of other ppl with the same probz.
I once again wish that if i had Absolute power i would want to solve the worlds prob including The owner not coz i get my cigs from him but as an individual i would want to help him.
t is not becoz i get my cigs frm him its becoz over the yrs hes become a friend to me.

A person who Ive known for more than 3yrs. Sitting in the same place giving the customer want he wants either a pan or a cig.

Sometimes looking at him i feel guilty. I don't know y.

Its like sometimes i feel i should solve my own problems 1st rather than looking into others problems.

BUT THIS PROBLEM IS REGARDING A FRIEND OF MINE, i once again think i need absolute power over here...sometimes i feel MONEY IS THE WAY OF ABSOLUTE POWER.


ITS LIKE MONEY = ABSOLUTE POWER

IS IT??

I Thrive for Absolute Power

There was an incident which happened almost 2 yrs back.I came to know where i stand in the world which is ruled By POWER.

7am - GYM

Getting up early is such a pain....had my daily korn flakes coz im stomach wanted something to eat. Went out gave a ring to Divesh 3 times...finally his mom picked up and said he was sleeping.
I know he will come for the gym coz he told me he will come to the gym morning coz we had a soccer match in the evening.
I went to the gym and had done my extreme workout for my full body and then Divesh shows up after my exercise is over.

So i was with him doing my work out with him.We r really good competitors thought i realize hes got much more power level than me and hes also well built.But still im trying to b in his level.

Another of our soccer mates comes along n tells we got a match in the even at 5pm.We agreed.

CUTTING TO THE CHASE

5pm - THE SOCCER MATCH

A total get together with my soccer mates of my area. The opposite team had beaten our Jr. team last Sunday so we wanted to get them back for the loss.The opposite team were my Goregoan sports club friends since i met them during my 10th vacations.1 of my friends name was Manish who also my friend in my gym and another Vicky who's a good friend of mine.Manish also a well built person. Almost the same body mass as Divesh.

5:15pm - THE MATCH BEGINS

We took the advantage by the 2nd min leading 1 goal to nil.
Then out 2nd goal came in the 5th min.So we had a real good lead though our Original team was playing after 3months together.No 1 has still lost touch.After few min they started to attack and we conceded a goal, so the score was 2-1 ,we were in lead.

5:45pm - HALF TIME

Discussing strategy with team and drinking water....he made a plan to attack since we were hungry for more goals.

5:50pm - SECOND HALF - REALIZATION

As we planned change of goalkeeper which was me went into mid. We got the advantage by making it 3 goals to 1.
meanwhile Nitin comes to the scene chatting with Chandan checking out his new cell.

Divesh had given a slight shoulder push to Manish and he being all ready a short tempered person told him that we was pushed in fact that shoulder push was in purpose.

Anyways Manish calmed down and Divesh took the situation lightly.

6:10pm - POWER AURAS FEELING - - ME????

After scoring 2 more goals in the 2nd half the heat between the 2 became more violent.

Suddenly after another attack by Divesh from the left side, Manish purposely or accidentally(still dunno the reason) gave a shoulder push (that's what he claims to say) to Divesh and he fell.

Divesh got up and started to tell him that hes cheating a it should b given a foul. Meanwhile i was in the defense and had no clue how this happened.

Suddenly after a heated argument Manish pushed Divesh on his chest.
Divesh also i real short tempered person couldn't put his and down and gave another push to Manish.

I came to c whats going on and these guys r like catching each other neck. Me wanting to stop them both - but who??

Another reason for was i could feel their powers within them. Manish had cut open Divesh's left eyebrow. litrally bleeding i stopped Manish and the gym masters stopping Divesh to calm them down.

Suddenly a fear in myself just sprung up. Like i could just position myself whether i wanted to thrash Manish or not...but couldn't coz he was way much stronger than me and plus Divesh was bleeding and really pissed.

Though the Matter is still not solved...

This aint a topic about those 2 friends of mine

This scene made me feel that Though i go to gym to work out but is it for making making a good body...that what i thought at first.

But today's situation made me feel Power and guts is what it takes to stay alive in this world.

I myself tell myself that this world is the SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST but i came on to a different approach to it,

Now I realized THE HUNGER FOR BEING MORE POWERFUL AND STRONG

NOW I WILL TRY TO TAKE A DIFFERENT APPROACH IN MY BELIEF

INCREASE MY POWER LEVEL.INCREASE MY GUTS AND NOT ACT LIKE A COWARD WHICH I DID TODAY.

Today i really felt bad for myself that i could force myself to give a punch to Manish though Divesh got a bloody upper face coz of that cut and scars on his neck.

I felt that i couldn't stand up for my friend.

BUT today only 1 thing was stopping me that was FEAR. I'm still guessing what fear was it.

Now i think that fear was either wanting my friend to get hurt or that fear which made me feel that i was a coward or wan that fear trying to protect me???

NOW I REALIZE I WILL GAIN AT MOST POWER NOT ONLY TO FIGHT BUT TO STAND UP TO A FRIEND OR ANY1 WHO I RESPECT, EVEN IF IT MEANS MY LIFE IS ON THE LINE!!!!!!!!!!!!