Saturday, October 25, 2008

Dying in Darkness

Within few months, everything's changed.

Parent's are dying, I've separated from my friends actually I have driven away from me. In order to search for some answers, I feel that I need to sacrifice some things, Things which I love and things which remind me of a person I am, its been 20yrs, had lots of changes, heck I don't even remember my past. My past is shredded in darkness and now i feel my future is cloaked in darkness too.

People are born for a reason. May it be a reason to accomplish something in their life, bring about some or the other social, economical or cultural change. Some are born poor who have become legends and are still remembered by people because of his/her accomplishments or the wonderful deeds he/she has done. Some are born to change how people think like philosophers or novelists or even politicians.

My life's nothing like that. I don't know why am i born. Some past of mine has been shredded in darkness, victim of sexual abuse and a victim of ragging. Maybe these instances of my life has taken an impact on my behavior so as to forget my past. The memories do haunt me once in a while though but i never seem to remember em. Ive changed so many homes and kept shifting from one location to another at regular intervals of my life and forgetting everything and locking those past yet precious memories in a little black box right behind my head sealed forever in the mist of sorrow. Friends kept changing, Sadness always bloomed without even knowing and i started getting more crazy which i thought was just a JOKE.
As for my future, that's also in darkness. I cant seem to see myself as person who's living a normal life in the future. I cant see Where do i stand in the future?

Why am I born without any reason?

Ive got no future, then Why am i living? Why should a person live without having any goals or ambition in his/her mind?

An Ambition is like an internal force inside a person that drives him/her to pursue that. But I don't have such an ambition thus not allowing me to see my future.

I've turned 20 last month, people like me must have already planned their future and as for me, I haven't even licked the icing of the cake yet.

Some of my colleagues tell me that they want to live just because they want to earn money and have a happy future ahead.
Well for me money isn't always everything. Is surviving in this world only money? I know money can give u all the luxuries and comfort in the future but i feel money is something which is like a silent killer/drug which slowly eats your soul and then you think that money alone is something which you can survive on. Well this is always been a contradictory statement on MONEY.

For me, I'm living without any reason. Living in darkness, every day feels like I'm Living without any reason, looking at people from my bedroom window, Looking at those souls who keep struggling so much just to survive. Some struggle for happiness, some struggle for money, some struggle for others to survive, I'm just surviving without struggling, such a bad sign....its high time, I want to come out of the darkness, Make a future where I see myself happy and laughing...taunting at those people who have laughed at me at my weaknesses.

Is this my future? Overcome my foes? Succeed them in my own way?

I would work hard not just for money but would rather work for my happiness even if I earn lesser than my parents or my friends, as long as I've got that 1 thing which makes me different from the rest of the people, I don't really care but as for my future I'm really selfish and would look forward for my happiness.

But still,

I would be still be dying in darkness in both the ways.


P A Ramchandra said...

I'd highly recommend "The Course of True Love" by Robert Standish. I wonder if you can find the book. The author is attempting to make a statement that a writer can write out nothing but himself.

the bhenchod said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
the bhenchod said...

to continue with existence
one has to question what existence is?
You are not alone my friend. these are the questions one cannot afford to shy away from and also one cannot be impatient in finding these answers.

"If there was nothing then there would have been only God, were there nothing there would have been only God,

Drowned as I am by existing, had I not been then what would have been?'-mirza ghalib.(maybe he found the answer to our eternal question

dia said...

U knw wtt u wnt in ur future itzz nt money bt satisfaction n happines... bt no clue hw wd u get thru it... n dis is d reason 4 ur existence.... waitin 4 dt happines 2 cum ur way..satisfy ur goal... n dtzzz y ur livin ...u r existin...

hope**** said...

life has 3 phases-anger..depression...happiness---n they keep moving in circles....nick ur a good bud of mine......this was all about the first two phases you didn't mention the last...?>>???